Over a period of 10 years from 1995-2005 I endured the loss of 6 children through multiple miscarriages. With each loss it was accompanied by countless surgical procedures, a subsequent loss of career, loss of health, loss of emotional vitality and ultimately a loss of faith - unable to understand the meaning behind the series of what seemed never ending loss. What is the lesson? What is the purpose of the test? Why do I need to endure this repeated pain and trauma?

I grew tired of people telling me to move on, move forward, it happens and decided to stop telling people, discussing it with friends and family. I reverted inward carried the pain close to my heart. I became acutely aware that those around me were uncomfortable. They really didn’t want to listen and not because they didn’t care but because they were not equipped with the tools or the knowledge on how to process the information. It brought them pain as they couldn't provide anything to help me cope.  I decided to venture off on my life’s journey to discover deeper meanings behind our losses on earth. I instinctually knew that only I could find the source of my solace. Through this journey, it was always the water that gave me space, gave me peace. The sea took my pain, my tears and broken heart.  It was actually being out at sea that helped me understand that we are all somehow connected and we can be connected without words, without major expressions of love or support - we can just BE. The Sea’s amazing ability to be present in your pain, non-judging, silent without the need to respond provided the cathartic landscape that I needed to heal. Somehow being out on the water, with just the right light opens a portal that gives us a glimpse of the divine.  Our emotional connection to the earth ,as well as, to the divine is critical in surviving our life experience and the water somehow plays the role of conduit to our internal sea of emotions. The purpose of my loss began to reveal itself. 

Watching the Divine Unfold

In the winter of 2004 - I lost my beloved father-in-law who before his passing told me to love as I do and he will take care of things where he is going. Unable to understand his message I wished him safe passage and he past away soon after. A few months after my father in laws passing, I had a strange and moving dream. He was at a party  in a white suite, holding a child’s hand. When I asked him “Father what are you doing here?” He replied that this was where he was supposed to be and it was his party. When I asked who is the child? - his response was “he is yours” and released his hand and the child came walking to me. That was the end of my dream 

A few months passed and it was followed by a second dream. Me swimming through turbulent water  trying to reach what I thought were the sounds of a crying baby stranded on a rock. Soon I discovered when I finally reached the island that it wasn’t a baby but a baby lamb. I took the baby lamb to safety. The turbulent water receded and crystal clear blue water was at my feet as I held the lamb and walked back to shore. 

My son was born 2 years to the day of my Father-in-law's passing and eight months from the day of my dream of water and the lamb. Coincidence? possibly - Intervention of the Divine? - Most definitely!

This life experience is what altered my life’s course. It cleared the path to help me understand the purpose. The pain, the sadness the darkness actually helped reveal the light. It helped me cultivate the needed compassion and understanding to create Blue Life Journeys - Release to the Sea. 

You see sometimes our family, our friends - they may not always say or do the right things in our time of need but sometimes words are not needed but rather the silent understanding that there will always be that one person in this life form or another that will stand present, ready to support you should you stumble and will lift you up should you fall. They may not always pick up on the signs on when you need what so help them understand, help them be present. Sometimes you have to go away and open your vessel wide open so that you can come back and let your family and friends in. 

We are our Child's Vessel

I slowly began to understand more and more the losses. I began to cultivate a deeper understanding of our connection with our children. All faiths have a female figure that have needed to give up their child because they are not ours to keep. Your children chose you to have their life experience because they knew you would guide them but most importantly you could endure the pain when their life experience was to transition to a different form. 

We are the vessels in which our children enter this world

but their life experience is uniquely their own. 

To all my bereaved sisters who I have the honor of knowing you and your children have forever entered my heart as each of you carry a life lesson for all of us, a reminder that a life without compassion, without connection to one another, to support each other through pain, grief and sorrow we will never transcend to that higher divinity within us for this is the true reason we are all here. 

Mother’s day is everyday and every day you live with that pain - it has forever changed you and you have earned your rights to be angry, sad, bitter and depressed but know that with every tear you have shed - you have also earned your right to happiness and joy for you know that you were chosen by your child to enter this world and you will see them again. 

Live to remember them, transform Mother’s day in “Remembrance Day” to remind yourself of how special you are - for you have endured unimaginable pain and you continue to be a mother to a being in a different form, to your surviving children you continue to be a mother even with a broken wing, to your friends and family you will always carry the badge of motherhood as you have revealed what love’s true form actually looks like. 

To all my Sisters who could not have child, you are all mothers too for motherhood is not reserved for those who bring a child into this world but it is the ability to express compassion, care and love to a child without boundaries, restrictions or defined roles. 

To all my Sisters who have not physically lost a child but your connection has been temporarily lost - reconnect with your true essence of love and let it shine through - you will always be connected to your child. 

To all my Sisters who have experienced repeated miscarriages like myself, remember that our children are not alone and by remembering them on Mother's day we can make their light shine letting them know they are not forgotten. 

To all my Sisters who have experienced the transition of their child's life experience before the natural transition of their own - you are not alone in your pain and sorrow for all of us stand in silence, in presence for we are all mere vessels of life awaiting our return to the sea.